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#swaggie

March 30, 2012 Leave a comment

Have you ever been asked what month it is? I would bet no, you haven’t. People always ask if you’ve got the time; they will often ask what the date is; between January 2nd and February 6th people will still ask what year it is; and though the same 7 appear each week, people will even ask what day it is. But no one ever asks what month it is. Especially in a month like this. This month is clearly one of the biggest, and “maddest”   months of the year (#seewhatididthere). Of course everyone knows why; March is known mainly for one thing and clearly that is being Bieber month; i.e. a month belonging to pop sensation @justinbieber! Let us count the ways:

March 28: #Swaggie (a word used in J-Beib’s single) trends worldwide

March 26: Biebers single “Boyfriend” drops

March 25-2: He is Justin Friggin’ Bieber (Note: That is in fact his real middle name; it’s pronounced “Drew”)

March 1: J-money was on The Ellen Degeneres Show AND it was his birthday!

So it is quite obviously #Biebermonth—but you already knew that—and at the end of each month #Hashtagfairytales has a feature called the #TweetoftheMonth. #Biebermonth is no different!

#Biebermonth (March) 2012

#camprepentance- You might remember Harold Camping. I’ll be honest, I was a little hard on him back in June, and in October, and in June again, and June…again, and I had good reason. But I come bearing word of redemption. Camping claimed twice in 2011 (once in Spring and again in Fall) that Judgment day was looming and doom was imminent; Camping was obviously wrong. I had no trouble bringing attention to the inaccuracy of his ridiculous predictions. In the interest of fairness though I need to bring just as much attention to his “repentance.” Camping recently took on the attitude of Christ and practiced great humility. He not only admitted that he was wrong, but admitted that he should have never tried to predict judgment day in the first place. Camping is an admirable dude in my opinion. Wrong…twice, and man enough to admit it! #kudos

#stopkony- If you have a Twitter account, Facebook account, Google+ account (who am I kidding, no one has a Google+), or LinkedIn account, this hashtag is not foreign to you at all. The organization Invisible Children produced a half-hour video that took aim at warmonger Joseph Kony. The video called for action for everyone to do exactly what the hashtag suggests: #stopkony. The campaign spread like wildfire, or like a plague, or like information in 2012 (#takeyourpick) and it wasn’t long before many changed their profile pictures to include a #kony2012 or #stopkony reference. It wasn’t long before the critics spoke out though: the movie exploited filmmaker Jason Russells son, Kony has moved from his place in Uganda; Kony is just one of many like him; the video was too long.

Allow me to speak up a bit. Jason’s son exploited? In the video (for those who haven’t seen it) Russell—who has since suffered a mental breakdown and remains in my own prayers—explained to his son a very real condition of the world. His son wasn’t exploited, he was informed. Should we shield our children from the very real and very true evils of this world? One parent may say we should but it cannot be denied that this only delays the inevitable. Yes Kony has moved from his original base. Does that mean he should not be stopped? I am not sure I understand this argument, “Kony is 100 miles north doing the same thing, the video is complete rubbish” (#getreal). Kony IS just one of many, but do not miss the point, allow him to represent the many, allow him to be the first of many, allow him to be a message to the many, but don’t look at the task as though he doesn’t enter into the problem. The video is too long? Really? #Hashtagfairytales is too long, but half an hour is not too long to become informed on a problem and join a movement that has the ability to save lives. If you don’t have a half hour to watch a video dealing with real issues…free up your schedule.

#babycarrots- Snooki is having a baby. I can only assume that they will come out orange. If I were to get Snooki a present for a baby shower it would be common sense…or maybe #HookedonPhonics If any child will need #HookedonPhonics it will be Snooki’s child. Snooki’s pregnancy is however confirmation, I’ve been thinking that there should be a test that determines qualification to reproduce; confirmed. But I have to say that I am excited about her pregnancy and her impending delivery. It is obvious that history will be made with this child. For the first time in history, a newborn infant will be certifiably taller than the woman who gave it life! In all seriousness I hope the best for Snooki and her child and I am sure that means a lot to her coming from me.

#TweetoftheMonth:

“March 2012: #stopkony; Snooki is preggers; the new iPad; #MarchMadness; #MegaMillions unclaimed; Manning and Tebow traded! #TweetoftheMonth”

(This episode was totally #Swaggie! I think…I’m not sure exactly what that is.)

#TheAdministration

March 29, 2012 2 comments

What is 3.29.12? Well it’s my grandfathers 88th birthday (#happyburfday). But more so, that’s right #hashheads, you guessed it: a very special Thursday edition of #Hashtagfairytales. Maybe you all were especially good this week, or maybe the stars have aligned just right. Two days of back to back #HTFT? Sounds like heaven to me! Either way, I am here and I am here to address a question I have been asked recently: “Who is #TheAdministration?” Very good question. With my recent suspension but speculation has been looming. Many of you have made the observation, “But Jacob, I thought YOU were the administration of #Hashtagfairytales; you’re the creator right?” Very good analysis. But it isn’t quite the whole truth.

#TheAdministration is an unstoppable force. #TheAdministration is more than I am myself. I am a simple writer—or rather a Record-Keeping and Reporting Specialist (#RKRS) masquerading as a writer—and while I am the creative force behind #HTFT, #TheAdministration is much bigger than that. #TheAdministration is desire; they want more viewers and will stop at nothing to get them. #TheAdministration knew that upon first appearance traffic would take an upswing and indeed it did, when they emerged from the proverbial shadows and usurped my position—the position I created—the position as the head of this blog, as its mouthpiece, I knew nothing would be the same again. #TheAdministration is within. It is within you and within me.

All I do on this blog, is win! But besides that –I write non-fiction. I am a non-fiction writer—or once again a #RKRS pretending to be one. But at times the monotony of real life is a little too much so I thought that I would for once turn it over to another body. I relinquished my Administrative rights to a fictional body, a body with decision-making power over #Hashtagfairytales. But how then could I be at odds with that body? It only made sense for the two of us—the “us vs. them”—to butt heads. I am the creator of #HTFT; I am an immovable object. What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Tension; tension that did not previously exist here within these pages.  #TheAdministration is tension.

Tension = Entertainment. That my friends is all that this blog is, and that’s all I want it to be. This blog is for you. I am glad to provide some information to you, and my ideas (I think) are worth 15 of your minutes. You and stop by and engage. You can come through and learn. You can look on and grow yourself. But if you come here and find no entertainment my job is undone. I cannot sell this blog; it has not monetary value. With #Hashtagfairytales and 50 cent I could make a phone call…or a rap album, depending on which 50 cent I have. That is not to devalue this blog, but to acknowledge the fact that it’s value is placed elsewhere. (ALERT: Please do not read the next sentence if you are lactose intolerant) The value of this blog is found in you (#cheesy). The value of this blog is in its entertainment and its interest.

I employed #TheAdministration to do a job. As long as they continue to perform, they will keep their job. #TheAdministration is my boss and they do control the content of #Hashtagfairytales. So I say it clearly, and I say it plainly to every #hashhead who is able to see, hear, or comprehend these words: As for #TheAdministration, it is within you. You are #TheAdministration.

(Did #TheAdministration do their job? What do you think?)

#nevertoolate

March 23, 2012 Leave a comment

I am Jacob C. Howard and I am #Hashtagfairytales. I am back my friends, and I will be addressing that whole suspension later on. For now there are bigger fish to fry. I have encountered a few stories this week that have stayed with me. These stories are—as Mike “The Miz” Mizanin would say—Awesome! You’ll remember we have talked about dreams before (#dreamon). I have shared with the #hashheads before that it is my dream to be a play-by-play commentator or ring announcer for the WWE; in other words: a ridiculous dream. I have been developing this dream over at least the last decade and a half, and have had this specific dream since early in my college career…you know, the college career that ended in 2009. So it’s been a little too long right? If my dream were a dairy product it would be far past the expiration date. I should give up on it right? Two huge things fighting against my dream: ridiculous dream, and too much elapsed time.

Enter two men who have a lot more in common that one might think. Moses and Donald Miller. Yup, Moses, as in the old dude who led Israel out of Egypt, and Donald Miller as in the author of best-selling book #BlueLikeJazz. No, Moses didn’t go to Reed College and Donald Miller was never portrayed by Charlton Heston, but they are yet quite similar. They both dreamed ridiculously. First Moses; what if we were to have a conversation about his proposed task? “Ok Moe, so you are going to take the Pharaohs slaves—his free laborers—all 3,000,000 of them and run away to the desert?” How ridiculous is that? No king would give up 3 million free workers. Then there’s Don Miller, he wanted to take his best-selling memoir #BlueLikeJazz and make a movie adaptation. How would THAT conversation go? “Alright Donny, you want a movie to be made about a period of your life? Bro, you’re a Christian, Christian movies are cheesy…Oh, you want your movie to depict true Christianity with all of its struggles? Good luck with that!” Brutal.

Both of those dreams are ridiculous. Freeing millions of slaves in one fell swoop? Pharaohs don’t support that. Making an original Christian movie based on the messy reality of following Christ? The Christian movie establishment wont fund that. Ridiculous! Guess what? I am right. Let’s start with Don this time, there was no money. The people who invest in “Christian movies” didn’t want to invest in that one. Why? It was too much like real life, and we can’t have art imitating life! Sorry Don #toolittletoolate! As for Moses, let me just say this: 80 freakin’ years old #waytoolate! No 80 year old should be going for their dreams right? Pharaoh is gonna give him a heart attack; the heat of Egypt or walking in the desert is gonna cause him to tire quicker, keel over, and pass out. No possible way.

Don Miller and Moses had dreams that were too big to succeed. Too lofty, too ridiculous, and too late…but I would never say that to their faces; I won’t be the one to tell Donnie and Broses. If I did, no doubt they would look at me and say, “Yo breh, it’s #nevertoolate!” (Fun Fact: In Ancient Hebrew that sentence rhymes [#noitdoesnt]). Let me be the first to tell you, the bell will toll on your dream. Midnight always strikes.

But what if Moses gave up? What if Moses decided he was too old to pursue that crazy calling? What if he took on the attitude of Roger Murtaugh and said “I’m getting too old for this sh…”? I’m not a theologian (as evidenced by that #LethalWeapon reference), but my guess is that it would have offset Jewish history as we know it! But he wasn’t too old. Moises didn’t let age get in his way, he stayed the course. 80 years young and he still did what he needed to do. Don’t be fooled, children and grandchildren can’t stand in your way; gray hair wont stop you. Moses accomplished his calling. The captives were set free, and I will tell you that you can do the same.

What if Don Miller and his crew decided that they had too huge of a mountain to climb? #BlueLikeJazz the movie would never be made. But that’s not how the story ends. The people funded the movie…I funded the movie. A Kickstarter Campaign was launched and in three weeks time the movie was funded. The movie that almost wasn’t suddenly was. The dream had come true; dawn had come. The movie that the “Christian movie establishment” has shunned is getting positive reviews pre-release. Money isn’t the issue for your dream, dont let it stand in your way. The story is not over. Just as you think the sun is setting on your dream remember that morning will come again.

Accomplishing your dream is like a cage match (Is that a #WWE reference? Likely). The prize is the dream itself, and you step in the ring with doubt. the two of you enter, but only one can leave. Is your dream ridiculous? Is time running scarce? If so, you’re in good company! Thank you Moses for showing me that it’s #nevertoolate. And thank you Don for showing the world that insurmountable odds are often just unbelievable opportunities!

(Blue Like Jazz the Movie will be available in theaters nationwide on April 13. Go out and see the movie that almost wasn’t!)

#HTFTS: One more chance…

March 21, 2012 1 comment

Hello, and thank you for reading #Hashtagfairytales. Due to numerous inquiries, it has come to our attention that the audience of this blog does not like the sudden appearance of The Administration. Let us now make it clear that our concern is not to make any “hash-heads” happy, and if our decisions are not agreeable, the best we will do is extend our condolences. Our primary concern is to release quality material; it was always Jacob C. Howard who was attempting to make the audience happy, it’s not our thing.

However in the best interest of #Hashtagfairytales, and by popular demand, we hereby lift the suspension on Jacob C. Howard. Howard, take notice: we are giving you one more chance; don’t mess it up. Jacob will return this Friday after a two-week suspension and he better be ready to entertain, inspire, or at least cleverly place a #hashtag or two.

Jacob, Welcome back…for now.

Categories: #HTFTS Tags:

#Britannica

The Administration has charged one of its own once again with the task of writing this week’s episode of #Hashtagfairytales. I am the head comedy contributor for #HTFT and am responsible for many of the jokes that you see here from week to week. To be honest with you, though I am the head writer for comedy, I am not one of many words. That creative fella from last week is big on elegant words (not so much on humor), and Jacob C. Howard will often make my jokes into long drawn out stories (which often flop), but I’m more of a one-liner type of guy.

For this reason, I have been #trolling the internet to find material from which to build quality comedy just for you #hashheads since the beginning of #Hashtagfairytales. I will be using this skill to build for you a #topten list; not a Jacob C. Howard Tor Ten List that has a paragraph of explanation for each item, but a real #topten list. This week: #Britannica!

So here we go, the top ten responses to Encyclopedia Britannica ending the print editions!

Top Ten

10. “They are giving up? Now THAT I can relate to!” –Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin

9. “I didn’t even catch their 2 hour press conference.” –Lebron James

8. “Good. Britannica was the Goldman Sachs of Encyclopedias!” –Greg Smith

7. “They’re probably going to re-release print editions as the ‘Lin-cyclopedia Britannica!’” –Jeremy Lin

6. “What will I read for bedtime now?” –Congressman Ron Paul

5. “Oh, so it was like Google but in book form?” –Justin Beiber

4. “Guess all 3 of the people who still used them are on their way here now.” –Wikipedia

3. “That’s hot.” –Paris Hilton

2. “F***in’ Paris Hilton! That’s what’s wrong with today’s culture!” –Jon Hamm

1. “If Snooki is in the business of writing books, then we want out!” –Encyclopedia Britannica

Thank you Encyclopedia Britannica, you will be missed!

(Top Ten and no chasers! No Frills, just thrills! Sorry Jacob C. Howard, I’d say The Administration wins this round. Wouldn’t you?)

#stateofthehashtag

As head of the creative direction and a representative of The Administration of #Hashtagfairytales, I have the pleasure of saying this on behalf of The Administration: #Hashtagfairytales is in the place, and of the quality that it should be “Freshly Pressed” by the blogging site WordPress. Jacob C. Howard has been at the helm of the proverbial #HTFT ship to this point but has recently been suspended for grammatical misconduct; I say with or without him you as the reader are in a good place and #Hashtagfairytales is not going anywhere. Generally speaking we The Administration are in full support of Mr. Howard but some things must be acted upon. In his absence it seems best to us to deliver to the public—the #hashheads as you have been called—an address to clearly divulge the direction of #Hashtagfairytales. So without adieu, I give you the #stateofthehashtag.

Why is this blog here? The mission thereof is as follows: “…To consistently provide honest (often humorous; sometimes risky) high quality episodes with respect, love, sensitivity, and appreciation for the issues and most importantly the readers who choose to invest in the blog via their time; #HTFT belongs to them.” This mission is stated on the #AboutHashtagfairytales page. This blog is here to provide quality humorous content to people who may be looking for it. We are into being funny. Even in serious episodes, we are committed to humor. For instance: Why are there gates around cemeteries? You give up? Because people are dying to get in. Funny right? I also know a naughty limerick or two.

The heart of this blog is Jacob C. Howard; let us not villianize him. While planning this blog Jacob wanted to provide ten things. Each episode, guest post, #HTFTS, #PolloftheWeek, tweet, and status update posted on behalf of #Hashtagfairytales is crafted with these ten things in mind: consistency, quality, humor, investor (reader) appreciation, respect, honesty, sensitivity, humor, love, and risk. With each post Jacob—along with The Administration—continuously question how each piece of content delivers all ten of these things. Often, we knock it out of the park like the 2010 San Francisco Giants, other times, we hit a foul ball like the Oakland A’s (#ihellaloveoakland). There are days that #HTFT gets 60+ views, others that it gets 2, more where it gets 14, and a handful that it gets 0. These days contribute to the artistic direction equally. Because of the days that there are zero views each single view matters so very much. They matter to Jacob C. Howard and they matter to The Administration.

I said that the heart of this blog is Jacob C. Howard, but I also say that this blog is the heart of Jacob C. Howard. Do you want to know the thing that really gets Jacob’s blood flowing, the thing that gets him up in the morning, the very thing that pushes him to write? It is his cardio-pulmonary system and taking care of it is important…but also he really likes to write this blog. The creative direction is important and it may sustain a few changes in the coming months, but my friends, it will endure. Let this stand as an announcement directly from The Administration of #Hashtagfairytales: WordPress, you are being placed on notice; this blog is sustainable and it has a heart that will not quit. The #stateofthehashtag is strong, it is faithful, and it is unshakable.

God bless this blog, and God bless every nation on His green earth!

(I understand it is the custom to write an “afterglow” comment or question of sorts: Do you support The Administration of #Hashtagfairytales?)

#HTFTS: That was not OK…

Hello, and thank you for reading #Hashtagfairytales. Until this point Jacob C. Howard has been the main purveyor of this site and until this past Friday, he has done an acceptable job; but in light of recent events it has become necessary that we—The Administration—step forward. Howard has been known to say a few “edgier” things, which we have allowed, but this past week he used a phrase with which we as The Administration of #Hashtagfairytales are displeased. In the episode “#thattimeofthemonth,” when speaking of the recent obsession over New York Knicks player Jeremy Lin, he mentioned the controversial and (possibly) racially charged headline used on ESPN “________ in the armor” (will not be re-printed on our watch).

We believe that Jacob should have known better and exercised better judgment. We are fans of the general work of Jacob C. Howard, but do not think that phrases like these contribute to comedy in any way. They can only hurt, no matter how innocent or unintended. Allow us to now say, that the comments were un-acceptable and Linappropriate (You see Jacob, we too can be funny). The world is changing. #Hashtagfairytales is changing. Effective immediately, Jacob C. Howard is suspended indefinitely from #Hashtagfairytales, and shall be disallowed from posting on #HTFT, #HTFTS, #PolloftheWeek, etc. until further notice. We will undertake the responsibility for finding authors for the time being.

Thank you for your time,

The Administration of #Hashtagfairytales

(Note: Please do not contact Mr. Howard about the issue until its resolution)