#bassackwards

Quick pop quiz: What is the last day of January? Before you answer, let me throw a wrench into the gears of your brain (not literally, that’d be murder). We westerners use what is formally known as the Gregorian calendar introduced by Pope Gregory XIII. But there are also—for instance—lunar calendars not unlike the Chinese Calendar; they celebrated their new year (based on movements of the moon) on January 23^rd. Also, #2012 is a leap year; this in addition to the whole Mayan Calendar thing makes for a pretty confusing monthly lineup. You have heard that the last day of January is January 31^st, but I tell you it is not. So then I ask you again: What is the last day of January?

The answer is Friday January 27^th. Why you ask? Well that is the day of the #Hashtagfairytales #TweetoftheMonth, and we all know that once the #TweetoftheMonth is posted, the month is over. Now don’t get me wrong, I do not mean to imply that #Hashtagfairytales dictates time, space, and the revolution of the globe…wait no, that’s exactly what I’m implying. I mean, what better way to mark the end of your month? That little calendar at the beginning of a Moleskin notebook? A number in a 1”x2” box on a calendar with a kitten that says, “Hang in there?” I say use #HTFT! The only problem with that suggestion is that I never wrote one for last month, so according to that theory, we’re still in December. So never mind, just stick with the calendar. But nevertheless #hashheads, it is time for the #TweetoftheMonth!

January 2012:

#████████- When I first saw the hashtag #StopSOPA, I thought, “What’s with Twitters vendetta against soup all of a sudden?” SOPA and PIPA. At one time these two words meant “soup” in Spanish, and Kate Middletons sister respectively. During January they took on a whole new meaning. The Stop Online Privacy Act and the Protect IP Acts are long and complicated documents that deal with protecting intellectual property. They likely have a few valid points, but taken to their logical end, they could very well censor the internet; the information super highway. You might see  certain pages with information blacked out, or whole websites blocked and I don’t think that is very American at all. This is why on January 18^th if you dropped by #HTFT or several smaller, less popular sites like Google or Wikipedia you saw a blacked out page in protest of these two proposed congressional acts. I mean, to be objective, if our lawmakers used common sense and self-control with SOPA and PIPA, they could indeed protect intellectual property…but this is America; we know nothing about common sense and self-control! The only American who knew anything about common sense was T-Pain…and no I don’t mean that auto-tune, “I’m on a boat” rapper guy; you #ThomasPaine fans know what’s up.

#needssomebutter- If when you saw that hashtag you immediately thought of Paula Deen, it shouldn’t surprise you that Deen announced this month that she has type 2 diabetes. #areyouseriousbro? In other news Snooki announced that she is not a virgin and Homer Simpson revealed that he is a cartoon (#captainobvious). I don’t mean at all to make light of the difficult illness; diabetes is a tough thing for all of its sufferers, but I once saw Paula Deen wrap a duck inside of a chicken and then wrap that chicken inside of a turkey! I wanted that dish—or that flock of dishes as it were—so much! I have tons of respect for Miss Paula Deen and she seems like a nice lady, but her eating habits were terrible. I did say “were.” Deen was diagnosed 2 years ago, she has been eating more healthy since then. Her announcement was not a story of gluttony gone awry, but one of a woman redeemed. Her story is not a cautionary tale for bad eaters, but an inspirational tale to those afflicted with this disease…wait a minute, what is this? The inspirational moment? Screw that, I’m moving on.

(Note: The next two sections are concerning sports, so viewers of Rosie O’Donnell’s show and general fans of Ryan Seacrest, you might wanna look away)

#goodluckchuck- The Broncos and Tim “3:16” Tebow are not going to the Super Bowl, and it’s because of me. I took away what seemed to be their good luck charm. I have a co-worker who is from Denver but moved away about a decade ago.; she used to be into sports but has since stopped following. Given all of the hype about Tebow-mania I struck up a conversation with her. I then found out that she had no idea who Tim Tebow was! Luckily I had gotten to her a few days before she was due to go back home for a trip. She learned all about Tim Tebow and his face paint, and went home the weekend of the Broncos/Patriots game…whoops. She was so into it and as soon as she knew of the trend, it immediately gave up the ghost. Sorry Tebow-maniacs (aka #focusonthefamily). But you’re welcome Patriots fans.

#topsyturvy- The sports world is all #bassackwards right now! First, the 9-7 New York Giants beat the Super Bowl XLV Champions, the Green Bay Packers. #Seriously?! The Pac had that game in the bag…until of course the game happened. Then just days later the NBA was all “turnt around” when the LA Clippers beat the 2011 NBA Champs, the Dallas Mavericks. That just doesn’t make sense. The Clippers—who are nigh synonymous with failure—beat Dirk “the jolly green giant” Nowitzki and Jason “I’m from the Bay Area” Kidd? #ridonkulous. Lastly we have the #49ers. Born and raised in Oakland, I am a Raiders fan, don’t get me wrong, but (unlike most Raiders fans) I still have love for my boys across the bay (#poorchoiceofwords). Kyle Williams must be going over the January 22^nd game with the Giants over and over in his head. He fumbled. Everyone does  it, but it earned him angry fans and crying angels (at least as a Bay area resident, I assume the angels are crying) Williams sank into the sports abyss along with Bill Buckner and the XFL (#badmoveMcMahon). Part of me deeply wishes to extend grace, but the other part of me is a Raider fan, so I think I’ll riot instead.

Friends, I know that lots more happened this month: A Cruise-liner sank…just before the re-release of Titanic; Ok James Cameron, the product placement has to stop somewhere. Etta James and Joe Paterno passed away, not together or anything; I don’t want to start any post-mortem rumors. But these two were legends of their crafts and will be missed. The Queen of Soul Aretha Franklin must have Kim Kardashian as a counselor; after only 20 days Franklin broke off her engagement to Willie Wilkerson. This is appalling! I can’t believe that she wou…wait, Aretha Wilkerson? Never mind, I don’t blame her! Also Miss Wisconsin won the Miss America pageant so…umm…free cheese? I guess I don’t care either.

“January 2012: #StopSOPA; RIP Etta & JoePa; bye Tebow-mania; hello Superbowl; Oscar yawns; cruise fail; Republican debates! #TweetoftheMonth”

(All this and there’s still four days left?! I need some time to just relax and play a game…#SettlersofCatan anyone?)