Archive

Posts Tagged ‘WWE’

#problemsolved

January 18, 2013 1 comment

You know the problem with #Hashtagfairytales? I expected too much out of it. You might be saying the problem then, is with me. You might also be saying you were so sad when Manti Te’os girlfriend died of leukemia; clearly you can’t be trusted.

  1. I expected #HTFT to be a weekly episodic blog and to quote Sweet Brown—who went viral sometime since the last episode—“Ain’t nobody got time for that!” I don’t have time for a weekly episodic blog, and neither do my readers.
  2. I expected to #HTFT be the sole source of your Friday entertainment. I expected people to be sitting on the edge of their seats until Friday’s at 10:00am when each episode was published. In my mind I pictured people reading the episode and then seeking comfort from other readers; mourning that they had to wait a whole seven days for another post.
  3. I expected #HTFT to transport readers to another world of intrigue and excitement. What in the blue hell was all that crap about “#TheAdministration?”
  4. I expected #HTFT to immediately go viral. I used buzz words, current events, seasonally appropriate jokes, and even a few swear words, but I’ll be damned if they got less laughs than the Baseball Hall of Fame got 2013 inductees. #seewhatImean
  5. I expected #HTFT to get me a job with the WWE. I’ve made it no secret that I want to be a Play-by-play commentator for the WWE; it’s an ultimate goal, a dream of mine. But a blog is not going to take me there, not by itself. I can’t just sit around and write about Narnia and expect a call from Vince McMahon!
  6. I expected #HTFT to be too f***in’ long! If I can’t write it in one sitting how can I expect people to read it in one sitting. Better yet, why should they want to?

If the problem with #Hashtagfairytales was the delusion of its author, #problemsolved.

You want a #Hashtagfairytale? How about this:

I just met a guy who thought shouting his thoughts in a room filled with others shouting would get him a job 3,000 miles away. #dreamon
Advertisements

#happyfrigginburfday

366 days.

That is how much time has elapsed since the very first episode of #Hashtagfairytales.

Exactly 12 months.

It was this day one year ago that I asked myself the question: #youcallthatablog. May 9, 2011: the day #HTFT was born. You don’t have to believe me, it was on Wikipedia…of course that was before some jackwagon decided it wasn’t a “world event” and they decided to remove it (I guess you can’t just put anything on there).

Today is #Hashtagfairytales’ first birthday and there is no one I would like to share the first birthday with more than the #hashheads. Those who have been here through all of the ups and downs of #HTFT. As of this writing #Hashtagfairytales has had 4,623 views in it’s lifetime; my assumption is that at least 20 of those are me trying to figure out how this blog thing works, so lets say 4,600.

Now I am no #mathmagician (that’s what they are called right?) but 4,600 views over 366 days comes out to about 12.56 views per day. About 12 and a half people have graced this page every day for the entirety of its life. That doesn’t seem like a lot but let me give you a few statistics that were shared by blogging guru Jon Acuff:

According to statistics, there are 2.4 billion people online around the world.

There are an estimated 450 million blogs online.

If you divide the number of people online by the number of blogs online, each blog should have approximately 5.3 readers.

5.3? I have more than double that daily. It’s all about perspective.

Why did I create #Hashtagfairytales? Over the past year of writing and facilitating episodes I have learned the answer to that: I have a passion to entertain. It is this passion that drives me to want to be an announcer for the WWE (#keepcalmanddreamon); a goal that will be accomplished. At times I succed at entertaining and get 70+ views in a day, and other times I fail miserably (#beinghonest). But I love to entertain.

Do I want 100 views a day? Yeah, of course; what blogger doesn’t? But I am proud to tote my 12.5! #Hashtagfairytales may morph and change, but I am still me and I am still here to entertain. Ideas fail and episodes bomb, but #hashheads remain to the very end.

So to you #Hashtagfairytales, I say #happyfrigginburfday.

And to you Jacob C. Howard circa May 9, 2011 I answer your question: #youcallthatablog?

No, I call that #Hashtagfairytales.

(#Boomshakalaka)

#nevertoolate

March 23, 2012 Leave a comment

I am Jacob C. Howard and I am #Hashtagfairytales. I am back my friends, and I will be addressing that whole suspension later on. For now there are bigger fish to fry. I have encountered a few stories this week that have stayed with me. These stories are—as Mike “The Miz” Mizanin would say—Awesome! You’ll remember we have talked about dreams before (#dreamon). I have shared with the #hashheads before that it is my dream to be a play-by-play commentator or ring announcer for the WWE; in other words: a ridiculous dream. I have been developing this dream over at least the last decade and a half, and have had this specific dream since early in my college career…you know, the college career that ended in 2009. So it’s been a little too long right? If my dream were a dairy product it would be far past the expiration date. I should give up on it right? Two huge things fighting against my dream: ridiculous dream, and too much elapsed time.

Enter two men who have a lot more in common that one might think. Moses and Donald Miller. Yup, Moses, as in the old dude who led Israel out of Egypt, and Donald Miller as in the author of best-selling book #BlueLikeJazz. No, Moses didn’t go to Reed College and Donald Miller was never portrayed by Charlton Heston, but they are yet quite similar. They both dreamed ridiculously. First Moses; what if we were to have a conversation about his proposed task? “Ok Moe, so you are going to take the Pharaohs slaves—his free laborers—all 3,000,000 of them and run away to the desert?” How ridiculous is that? No king would give up 3 million free workers. Then there’s Don Miller, he wanted to take his best-selling memoir #BlueLikeJazz and make a movie adaptation. How would THAT conversation go? “Alright Donny, you want a movie to be made about a period of your life? Bro, you’re a Christian, Christian movies are cheesy…Oh, you want your movie to depict true Christianity with all of its struggles? Good luck with that!” Brutal.

Both of those dreams are ridiculous. Freeing millions of slaves in one fell swoop? Pharaohs don’t support that. Making an original Christian movie based on the messy reality of following Christ? The Christian movie establishment wont fund that. Ridiculous! Guess what? I am right. Let’s start with Don this time, there was no money. The people who invest in “Christian movies” didn’t want to invest in that one. Why? It was too much like real life, and we can’t have art imitating life! Sorry Don #toolittletoolate! As for Moses, let me just say this: 80 freakin’ years old #waytoolate! No 80 year old should be going for their dreams right? Pharaoh is gonna give him a heart attack; the heat of Egypt or walking in the desert is gonna cause him to tire quicker, keel over, and pass out. No possible way.

Don Miller and Moses had dreams that were too big to succeed. Too lofty, too ridiculous, and too late…but I would never say that to their faces; I won’t be the one to tell Donnie and Broses. If I did, no doubt they would look at me and say, “Yo breh, it’s #nevertoolate!” (Fun Fact: In Ancient Hebrew that sentence rhymes [#noitdoesnt]). Let me be the first to tell you, the bell will toll on your dream. Midnight always strikes.

But what if Moses gave up? What if Moses decided he was too old to pursue that crazy calling? What if he took on the attitude of Roger Murtaugh and said “I’m getting too old for this sh…”? I’m not a theologian (as evidenced by that #LethalWeapon reference), but my guess is that it would have offset Jewish history as we know it! But he wasn’t too old. Moises didn’t let age get in his way, he stayed the course. 80 years young and he still did what he needed to do. Don’t be fooled, children and grandchildren can’t stand in your way; gray hair wont stop you. Moses accomplished his calling. The captives were set free, and I will tell you that you can do the same.

What if Don Miller and his crew decided that they had too huge of a mountain to climb? #BlueLikeJazz the movie would never be made. But that’s not how the story ends. The people funded the movie…I funded the movie. A Kickstarter Campaign was launched and in three weeks time the movie was funded. The movie that almost wasn’t suddenly was. The dream had come true; dawn had come. The movie that the “Christian movie establishment” has shunned is getting positive reviews pre-release. Money isn’t the issue for your dream, dont let it stand in your way. The story is not over. Just as you think the sun is setting on your dream remember that morning will come again.

Accomplishing your dream is like a cage match (Is that a #WWE reference? Likely). The prize is the dream itself, and you step in the ring with doubt. the two of you enter, but only one can leave. Is your dream ridiculous? Is time running scarce? If so, you’re in good company! Thank you Moses for showing me that it’s #nevertoolate. And thank you Don for showing the world that insurmountable odds are often just unbelievable opportunities!

(Blue Like Jazz the Movie will be available in theaters nationwide on April 13. Go out and see the movie that almost wasn’t!)

#cancelled

August 19, 2011 1 comment

Have you ever really just gotten into a show only to learn that it had been cancelled? I am not talking about The Cosby Show, or Friends, or Seinfeld; those were long-time beloved, tried and true shows. Those shows established themselves as pop culture juggernauts; they were shows about family, shows about friends, and shows about nothing (I suppose #Hashtagfairytales is the Seinfeld of blogs, it’s pretty much a blog about nothing). I mean I miss my #oldschool TV shows like Family Matters, Full House, Boy meets World; pretty much all of ABC’s #TGIF lineup. But I think some of the newer shows deserve more of a chance, we can’t just put em on the air and then cancel them all “Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” style; we gotta let em fly.

However we can’t just let anything pollute our airwaves (cue obligatory Jersey Shore reference). I mean seriously, I know I mention Snooki a lot, but don’t get me wrong, they are ALL terrible! The Situation, Pauly D, JWoww, Sammi, Ronnie, Vinny, and that girl who no one cares about are all TV pollution. We need to give some shows a chance, but some stuff needs to be #cancelled! #Hashheads, here are a few Television shows from this past season that have been cancelled and today Jacob C. Howard is Judge, Jury, and Executive Producer! Were these Top Ten shows cut down in their prime as victims of premature cancellation or was it there time to go? What do we say: #toosoon or #goodcall?

10. Tyler Perry’s House of Payne– Tyler Perry has been said to write, direct, produce, and star in the same general things over and over. I can’t say that this accusation is completely untrue, but House of Payne was a fun little show while it lasted. Some racial humor, recycled jokes, slapstick comedy; not too bad, but since we have “Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns” still on air, I think canceling this one was a #goodcall! Sorry Mr. Perry!

9. Outsourced-This show was part of NBC’s Thursday Night lineup; they used to call it “Must see TV.” Basically they are trying to recreate the success of shows like The Office and 30 Rock, which are shows that are basically trying to recreate the success of shows like Frasier and Friends. Outsourced in and of itself is trying to recreate the success of an independent film of the same name. I saw the movie and it was really good, I refused however to watch the TV show because it was the same as the movie, but drawn out. Sorry NBC, stick to Parks & Recreation,actually, stay away from re-creation from now on! #goodcall

8. Camelot– This was a re-tooling of one of the greatest “myths” the world has ever known: The Story of King Arthur. I have loved the story ever since I saw The Sword in the Stone back when I was a kid, and Camelot reignited the same love; and we all know #LoveWinsbreh! Camelot told a story of King Arthur from a place it had never been told on television and in movies, a place where the story actually could have happened. Don’t get me wrong, it could have been better, but it needed time to improve. But I think the ultimate downfall for this show came from its limited viewership due to its placement on the Starz network; this show belongs on cable. Hell, I would not have watched it if AT&T U-verse hadn’t given me the Starz Package for free! Camelot should rise again, it was cancelled #toosoon.

7. $#*! My dad says-I never watched this show. It is on the list for two reasons: 1. It contains a #hashtag symbol and 2. It has a bad word right in the title! So based on the facts listed above as well as the fact that Starship Enterprise Captain James Tiberius Kirk otherwise known as the great Bill Shatner (Whoops, did I just drop that name?) was the dad, and the whole show was based on a Twitter feed that had been turned into a book, I find that this show was cancelled #toosoon.

6. WWE NXT– Friends, let it be no secret that I am a fan of “Sports Entertainment,” otherwise called, “pro-wrestling,” otherwise called “gay.” I am OK with the ridicule (though not necessarily the verbiage) but I am just being honest, I am a fan. I am mainly in it for the mythic undertones of the storylines, but also for the grandiosity of production. A little while ago the WWE produced and released a show called “NXT” which was to find the next generation of WWE Superstar. From the beginning I knew only one thing: It was a terrible show. It wasn’t completely “kayfabe” (made up), but it wasn’t completely a “shoot” (real deal), it was some kind of hybrid and I for one have to wag my finger at a company I otherwise look up to and say, #goodcall on that one.

5. Sports Show with Norm MacDonald– I think Norm is a funny guy. He has a dry sense of humor, and he did great as the host of #SNL’s Weekend Update for three seasons! But the guy is not personable, and sports people like people they can relate to. Not to mention Comedy Central goes through shows like snot through a tissue or sand through an hour glass or any guy through Snooki (I don’t mean that in a vulgar way, I just mean sex). Norm, you’ve had lots of shows and I hope you find your niche, however, I gotta say #goodcall.

4. Larry King Live– First off, allow me to correct the false assertion made in the title: Larry King Live? Larry King has been dead since 1997—or at least it looks that way. King had a special way with stars and politicians he asked the questions no one asked, like when he asked Paris Hilton when she came out of jail which was her favorite book of the Bible! I suppose he asked the questions that no one cared about, nevertheless, King is and was a media king and as a communicator I look up to him. The brand recognition in his glasses, suspenders, and oddly vulture-like shoulders makes Larry King the best at what he did and though I really want to say #toosoon Larry wanted a rest after 25 years so I say #goodcall

3. The Cape– The show had a fine enough premise. It was a little dramatic for no reason. It was entertaining and could have been good, but it was completely unbelievable. I watched the show and never missed it, but there were a few things that were over-the-top. The show had a dark theme but campy villains which is misleading and most of all, the “superhero” had no power outside of his cape. Though I like the show, a superhero based on an accessory is never a good idea so I say, #goodcall.

2. Wizards of Waverly Place– Not sure I really got this show, I watched it once (however I watched about 4 episodes this once cuz it was a marathon on the Disney Channel) but from what I understand Selena Gomez is a half-mortal/half-wizard and Justin Beiber is a Canadian punishment for not accepting Norm MacDonald (#nonsequitir). Selena Gomez is an alright kid and the show gave work to “Bug” from 3rd Rock from the Sun, but I gotta say it was Disney’s attempt to provide a Sabrina the Teenage Witch for 2010. That’s a #fail! #goodcall #sabrinaisbetterthanselena!

1. Breaking In– Christian Slater, Michael Rosenbaum, and Trevor from the Whitest Kids U’Know cast. Need I say more? This show was great! It was picked up mid season, not promoted very well, and then dropped. The show was cool overall, but doomed from the beginning. The premise follows a company that is contracted by companies to ensure their facilities are impenetrable and they do so by attempting to break in. Each member of the team had their own talents and personalities which is where the comedy ensued. It deserves a second chance and it was definitely cancelled WAY #toosoon!

(I think I made up for last week’s severe #lackofhashtag)

What do the #hashheads think? What other shows do you think should or should not have been cancelled this season or any other?

#backtobasics

June 3, 2011 5 comments

I don’t know if any of you #hashheads noticed but there have been moments in the last few posts that were a little deep! I mean I’ve gotten all introspective, and then I start getting into financial talk, and I think for a minute there—if I’m not mistaken—I even went on a bit about pain. Now don’t get me wrong, #Hashtagfairytales is indeed about that fine middle ground between the serious and absurd; the deep and the funny; the grave and the joyful, and I want to keep it that way, but this time, I want to take that to a different level.

I used to do this thing on the Twitters, where I would sum up the month in one tweet. I stopped doing that, and I don’t know why; I enjoyed it and I had a real knack for it. If there were a mojo for 140 character summaries of the month, I would’ve been the Austin Powers of it; if there were an Olympics for it, I’d have been the pre-Kardashian Bruce Jenner; if there were a Super Bowl for it, well, that’d be a little ridiculous wouldn’t it?  But here I am with a larger platform; I can sum up the month in one blog post, and so I will. But wait, there’s more: I’ll be back at it on the Twitters too! That’s right friends, I am going #backtobasics!

Once a month on the ol’ weblog, I’ll highlight three of the top subjects of the month, and then include the #TweetoftheMonth. Mind you all, I draw on a few top topics, so don’t expect to see a monthly summary tweet containing your nephew’s piano recital, even if he did play “Fur Elise.” But enough introducing it, here we go!

May 2011:

“Ohh Yeaaaah”- In May we said goodbye to Randy Poffo better known as Macho Man Randy Savage. This guy was one of the most flamboyant superstars that has ever graced the squared-circle, and he knew how to entertain an audience. Whether as a face or a heel (that’s good and bad guy respectively for all the marks who aren’t exactly hip to the kayfabe lingo), Macho man was a true well-rounded entertainer; he was royalty of the ring, a master of the mic, and king of the costume! Mach paved the way for peeps like The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin, and he will be missed. Cheers to the man who made millions #snapintoaSlimJim, the one and only “Macho Man” Randy Savage!

Gov. Horndog- Now we go from one macho man to another; Arnold Schwarzenegger and wife of over two and a half decades Maria Shriver have separated. Aww geez, now who of us has hope? If an actor/politician/known-womanizer can’t make his relationship work who can? The biggest break in the story was word that he fathered a child with his maid. Seriously Arnold? A child with your maid? Couldn’t you have just given her a normal work perk, like a Christmas bonus, or a week of no Arnold-underwear? Also, this is a bit backwards; a Kennedy is cheated on? That’s like Lord Zedd beating the Power Rangers (#throwback) or a Kardashian doing something that takes skill; it’s just bass ackwards!  The story is weird and pretty gross (the child he fathered by the mistress was born with a week difference from Schwarzenegger’s child through Shriver), but here we are. But we can’t judge to quickly, maybe he almost got a part in that upcoming film “Horrible Bosses” and the last 14 years was just research.

You still here?- Speaking of judgment, Judgment day was about two weeks ago, and doggone it if I didn’t feel anything. Family Radio co-founder and President Harold Camping predicted the rapture was to happen on 5.21.11. I don’t wanna call the game too soon, but I think this was a false alarm. Camping predicted raptures to take place 5.21.88 and 9.7.94, so I gotta hand it to him, maybe he just figured, third time’s a charm, but to the dismay of some followers, and to his own chagrin, this was a #judgmentdayfail. He is giving himself another shot though, he has updated his claim stating that Judgment day was extended to 10.21.11, and I think I have the perfect tagline for the Billboard:

“Judgment Day is October 21, 2011: For real this time”

To borrow a phrase from my grandmother, “That Harold Camping has got a one-track mind and it’s going the wrong way!” I get it Camping, Jesus is coming back, we all need to be ready for his return. Sure, let’s focus on that! Love your neighbor? Naw. Help the widows and orphans? Psh. Pray for your leaders? No thanks. Care for the Earth God has given us? Don’t think so. We’ll just study numerology—or as I like to call it, eeny-meeny-miny-moe—to figure out which one day we ought to focus on instead of focusing on living like Christ every day. Great plan.

#TweetoftheMonth:

“May 2011: RIP Macho Man; Hello #hashtagfairytales; Schwarzenegger split; false Judgement day; @donmilleris gets engaged!

 #backtobasics

(Man, two Kardashian insults in one post? I was bangin’ on all cylinders…like a Kardashian!)

(Make that three)